Is It Depression Or Heartbreak?
I walk into an empty Subway shop. There is no one in the front. It is late at night. Wails and sniffles and high pitched speaking resonate from the back. It is definitely a woman’s voice. No one talks back. This is a sure sign someone is on the phone. I try to make out a word. I can’t. It sounds like Urdu. I don’t know Urdu.
I wait another few minutes. No one comes out. Some places have a bell you can ring for staff. But not this shop. I play with the keys in my pocket. They jingle. The crying voice quiets. I hear footsteps. Could I be walking in on a dangerous situation? I tap my phone till it lights up so it is ready to dial 911.
A young woman comes out. Tears swim down her face. “I am sorry, my dog died,” she says.
“Oh I am so sorry.” I say.
She wipes her tears and puts on disposable gloves.
I slip my phone in my pocket.
Losing a pet is indeed heartbreaking. But I recall the pleading tone in her voice. It sounded like she was imploring someone. It sounded too familiar. This was not the sound of pet loss; this was the sound of being broken up with.
I mean it could have been a myriad of other things. Family problems. She could have been begging her father to let her study in another city. I remember a friend crying for weeks when her parents didn’t let her go to McGill. Yet the feel of the Subway girl’s talking, even though it was in another language, had that specific breakup flavour. A week later I overheard talk that confirmed my suspicion. Her fiancé broke off their engagement.
Why did she tell me that her dog died? Was it just easier?
I never handed assignments on time in university. Half the time I was broken hearted. I stared at text and cried. I asked for more time to finish work. Did I tell my profs that I am crying over a guy? Hell no. I cited “family problems” or “health problems” as the reason for needing more time. Most profs were very forgiving and negotiated a new deadline. But some were strict and asked for a doctor’s note.
There was a doctor on campus I saw frequently. I explained to her how I cannot finish my assignment because I am depressed and cannot concentrate. She always wrote me a note. Never did I admit to crying over a guy.
A breakup can leave you shattered and defeated. Crying and screaming drains you of energy. You cannot think. Sometimes you end up in such a depleted state that you cannot even cry anymore. A broken heart can cause physical sickness and grief.
Almost everybody has at some point endured heartbreak due to a breakup or unrequited love. It is so prevalent in our world. So why didn’t I tell my prof the truth? So why did the girl at Subway tell me her dog died?
When you admit to heartbreak you open yourself up to commentary. You hear:
Forget about him/her
You can do better
There is plenty of fish in the sea
Don’t let this loser get you down
Focus on yourself
Here, buy my self improvement book
All of this advice has an inherent seed of judgement. It alludes that you are weak and lack discernment. Even if you did nothing wrong in the relationship it makes you feel stupid for choosing poorly. It demands action of you that you may be too drained to take.
We rather hide heartbreak than reveal how weak and powerless we are. It is embarrassing to admit weakness. The longer the heartbreak drags on the more embarrassing it feels. “It’s been a year and you are still stuck on them? Come on!”
Getting over a breakup may take weeks, months or years. One theory states that it takes half the time a couple was together to get over the relationship. But it is not a law. I saw friends suffer for years after relationships that lasted only a few months. It is not the length of the relationship; it is the size of the wound. Heart wounding may also re-activate past trauma.
Often in an attempt to alleviate this trauma people get into situations that resemble previous relationships. They unconsciously hope to resolve the original problem by fixing the current similar one. They end up broken hearted over and over.
Most of us have not been taught how to heal from heartbreak. Many believe that getting their ex back is the only cure. YouTube is full of “get your ex back” tutorials. Instead of healing, people chase unicorns. The chasing becomes a distraction.
Maybe if I just talk to the right psychic… Maybe if I see the right video… Maybe if I make myself look different… Maybe if I become rich… Maybe if I just keep making vision boards of us together…. Maybe then he/she will come back and everything will be fine. Maybe.
Distraction often leads to suppression. Time passes but sadness persists. People might start suggesting that you are depressed. For some it may be easier to claim depression than admit they are still in love with their ex and unable to cope.
Or is the inability to cope with heartbreak that which we call depression?
Where is the divider between heartbreak and depression?
Why does it matter?
Because once depression is diagnosed then focus on healing from a broken heart gets replaced with medication. Medication often masks the pain of the broken heart. Therapy may be prescribed but not everyone can afford therapy. And even in therapy people may still not want to admit that they are there because of the ex. Some may have even disassociated from the heartbreak. Pain remains but its cause is lost in the body.
Does depression stem from an unhealed broken heart? Not just a heart broken by romantic love but a heart broken by a parent or another family member, or abuse or ostracization from a group?
Romantic broken heart is just one form of broken heart. But this pain although so prevalent is the least respected. As said above, it is addressed with “you can do better.” There is no other emotional trauma that we respond to as callously.
I think that many people settle for partners they don’t love because they don’t want to be vulnerable in a marriage in which so much is at stake. After a string of broken hearts they chose someone who is “good enough” but not someone who they love enough to be broken by. Hence people sleep every night beside one person while wishing it was someone else. That is pretty depressing in itself.
I think the best thing one can do for oneself is be honest if one is suffering from a broken heart. Have the courage to admit that someone got to you that bad. Take antidepressants if they stabilize you, but don’t omit therapy and self reflection. If you are at the point that you don’t even know if heartbreak caused your depression, then you definitely need help. Open yourself to help.
Thank You for Reading.
If you want to further support my writing, you can buy me a protein shake here.
I also accept crypto. Here is a link to my crypto profile: karinakarina.x
There is a lot more to come!
Most of us have not been taught how to heal from heartbreak. Many believe that getting their ex back is the only cure. YouTube is full of “get your ex back” tutorials. Instead of healing, people chase unicorns. The chasing becomes a distraction.