Low Key Guilt And Disparity of Feeling When Dating Someone

Step Inside The Vortex. 2024. Karina + StarryAI

You are dating someone new. You recognize that they are a good person (or at least this is what you gather at the moment). You are aware that they really like you. You like them. But you like them slightly less than they seem to like you.

But it is early in the relationship that may not even be exclusive yet, and you know that feelings take time. Besides there is usually some discrepancy between how people feel for each other. Dating is about giving people a chance.

But somehow that discrepancy in perceived feeling causes a disturbance in your emotional continuum. It may even be so slight that you don’t understand what is happening.

Sometimes that disparity of feelings is overcome. Something happens and your feelings catch up. The disturbance leaves. But when it persists, effects start to appear.

You may start to feel a continuous low level guilt when around them. They smile at you but with more affection than you want to put into your smile. You feel guilt for not feeling it like they do.

Their eagerness to see you evokes a sense of obligation to see them. Sure you want to see them too. But since they are more eager than you, you feel that you cannot disappoint them. This produces low key resentment.

If you are a good person and in fact like this person, although not as much as they appear to like you, you may ignore the low key resentment in yourself. When a feeling is low key some may not identify what it is at all.

If you happen to recognize the newly brewing feeling of resentment, you may dismiss it:

How can I resent this person who I like for wanting to see me? After all, don’t I want someone who wants me? It would be wrong of me to resent this wonderful guy/gal for doing what I always told myself I want from a lover.

But they do it again. And now you feel like retracting. You notice your own desire to pull away. But this person is great and they are really into you, and you do in fact like them. You start to wonder if you have a problem.

You certainly heard internet dating gurus talking about how past relationship traumas cause some people to reject nice and available partners as their wound drives them to unconsciously recreate trauma bonds in hopes of healing them this time.

You wonder whether perhaps your own past may be causing you to want to pull away from a good appropriate person. Sometimes this may be the case, but this is not what I am talking about right now.

Plain and simple: sometimes you want to pull away due to low key guilt and resentment caused by a disparity of feeling between you and the new person in your life.

You may feel like you need more space and time between you and this person. Perhaps if I don’t see them I will miss them. Perhaps if I don’t see them things will even out.

Inevitably the other person will sense your need of space. If they like you, they will naturally try to close that space. This will probably make you want to seek space all the more.

This may leave the other person feeling like they did something wrong. You know they didn’t do anything wrong. Now the guilt that was low level, strengthens. If you didn’t identify it before, you become aware of it now.

To be clear, there may be other reasons for wanting to pull away. And many may fly under the radar. Sometimes low key fear. Sometimes your system picks up on danger. That is a whole different situation. I wrote about fear here.

This Is Bound To Be More Prevalent With Online Dating

The best relationships I had started organically. We frequented the same space and got to know each other in a no pressure setting. Over time attraction built. Tension built. We gravitated towards each other. By the time a move was made, we were so into each other that if there was any disparity of feeling it was above the threshold that mattered.

When you meet someone online, there is this pressure to decide. Dates cost. Time costs. No one wants to invest time in something that has no potential. We all want to cut our losses.

As a woman I know that I have a max of three dates before a guy will try to kiss me. I feel under pressure to decide. The pressure to decide causes a disturbance. This may suffocate any attraction. So women will often only date men who they feel sparks for right away.

But remember how I mentioned that my best relationships started organically? It took 3 to 6 months for me to develop attraction.

Also as I mentioned, dates cost time and money. How much time and money can you spend dating? Online dating is uneconomical. Meeting people in the real world and developing attraction organically in a no pressure environment beats online dating.

A disparity of feeling may still develop later in the relationship. There are no guarantees. We are steered by subtle energies and impulses. We are what we are. It is what it is. You cannot argue with feelings.

So What To Do?

The best thing to do is give relationships space to breathe right from the start. Often people hit it off and start texting each other all day every day. This can build expectations too high. Space and freedom from obligation gives the best chance for love to blossom. When feelings reach a certain threshold, the disparity ceases to matter. The trick is recognizing when that point is.

Have you ever experienced a Dark Eureka moment? Read about it here:

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