Ever since I was a child I felt a sense of mission. I felt in my soul there is something I need to do. And, not just anything. Something beyond the expected responsibility of getting an education, a job, and bearing children. This feeling drives me. But sometimes it feels heavy.
I have argued with this feeling and accused it of being wrong. I argued that I don’t need to strive so hard at all. But then I felt the ungenuiness of that argument. You cannot argue with a feeling resonating through your whole being. Deep down I feel like I have a mission predestined from times immemorial and I cannot rest until it is over. Sometimes I even think that if I don’t get it done in this life, I am going to have to come back and get it done in the next life. Absurd? Maybe. Have I considered it a delusion? Yes I have. The feeling persists.
I get a reprieve from this feeling during fevers. Fevers temporarily unburden the heaviness. I even started to research fevers. Some research suggests that letting fevers run instead of quashing them with Tylenol may have cancer killing effects. The entire fever immune response is fascinating.
But what about meditation?
Meditation has not rid me of my feeling of mission but in fact amplified it.
Does that mean that it has increased the heaviness? No.
Meditation put me on the right path. It aligned me with the direction I need to travel. It has relieved me of the anxiety that comes with not seeing a path. In moments of psychological elation I feel immensely optimistic and euphoric about my mission. But other times, when drained and up against an obstacle, I wish it was over already.
“You should have married a rich guy,” a friend once told me. “You wouldn’t have to invent projects.”
I actually dated a rich guy once. I had him investing in my projects. At the time I lacked experience. All the projects failed.
When you have a mission it is not about the money. If you handed me a billion dollars I would just get a bigger place to work on my projects.
Why doesn’t my friend get that?
Some Of You Won’t Believe Me
In the closing book of The Republic, Plato describes heaven and hell and reincarnation.
A soldier by the name of Er dies and travels to the afterlife. After twelve days he comes back and recounts what he saw.
Er describes how souls get to chose their next lives:
Then the Interpreter placed on the ground before them the samples of lives; and there were many more lives than the souls present, and they were of all sorts. There were lives of every animal and of man in every condition. And there were tyrannies among them, some lasting out the tyrant’s life, others which broke off in the middle and came to an end in poverty and exile and beggary; and there were lives of famous men, some who were famous for their form and beauty as well as for their strength and success in games, or, again, for their birth and the qualities of their ancestors; and some who were the reverse of famous for the opposite qualities. And of women likewise; there was not, however, any definite character in them, because the soul, when choosing a new life, must of necessity become different. But there was every other quality, and the all mingled with one another, and also with elements of wealth and poverty, and disease and health; and there were mean states also.
Er recounts how the Greek hero Odysseus, chose a quiet private life.
There came also the soul of Odysseus having yet to make a choice, and his lot happened to be the last of them all. Now the recollection of former toils had disenchanted him of ambition, and he went about for a considerable time in search of the life of a private man who had no cares; he had some difficulty in finding this, which was lying about and had been neglected by everybody else; and when he saw it, he said that he would have done the same had his lot been first instead of last, and that he was delighted to have it.
Some of you may not believe me: Not everyone has a mission.
Everyone has a purpose, but not everyone has a mission. Some may be here for a quiet life, like Odysseus.
But what is the purpose of someone who doesn’t have a mission?
Perhaps their purpose is simply to rest and be a content unbothered maintainer of the infrastructure?
Perhaps a smooth unbothered life is a reward for a mission accomplished?
Or maybe their purpose is merely to observe?
I hypothesize that people with a mission are more prone to anxiety and depression. Especially when they don’t see the way. This may lead them to seek distractions that dull the mission anxiety.
Then again, people who are here to chill, may feel anxiety for the opposite reason. The world is accomplishment driven. Male podcasters tell men that women won’t love them if they don’t accomplish incredible things. Women are told they must have careers to prove themselves. People who just want to chill and ride the wave are pushed to strive for accomplishments that don’t resonate with their souls. This discordance can cause anxiety, depression or other illness.
A Life With A Mission Is Going To Be Harder
A mission requires preparation. To execute a mission you need certain knowledge and certain experience and strength. This comes from living and overcoming obstacles. Hence, obstacles will be placed on your path.
I learned that diverging from my mission comes with pain. The further you deviate the more pain. It is possible to spend years in pain. The purpose of the pain is to steer you from the wrong path. Sometimes you feel that you are being punished, but you are actually being guided.
A Beautiful Thing Happens
Just as you get a jolt of pain when you deviate, you get a jolt of inspiration and energy when you align.
When you align with your path, you get an incredible surge of energy. You feel incredible propulsion. You zoom, you fly. You may not see the entire path, but you see enough in front of you to keep going. The way illuminates as you travel. This is a beautiful thing to feel.
So What To Do?
Search your feelings and feel out what your lot in life is. What does your inner being say? Are you here to just be? Or do you have a mission in your soul?
How do you proceed from there?
Move according to what is authentic. If you are here to chill, your authentic self will direct you. If you are here for a mission, your authentic self will direct you. Either way, you will be directed.
How does direction feel?
When you contemplate directions and a direction just feels right, that is usually your inner being guiding you. It may take quite a bit of tuning in to feel that rightness.
Direction also comes via spontaneous impulse. For example: You all of sudden feel like going for a walk. You go. You find a lost bunny rabbit plushy. It inspires a story. You post the story on Threads. Someone likes your post and follows. This boosts your engagement. Other people follow. One of your new followers checks out your newsletter. They like it so much they subscribe for a year.
Now, if the answer is always “move in accordance with your authentic self,” then why this whole story? Why bother to differentiate between those who may have a mission and those who do not?
Because it is illuminating to know what your lot in life is. This helps you identify advice that is for you and advice that is not for you.
My dad had these two friends. They were both named Jimmy. In his friend circle one was called “Easy Jimmy,” and the other “Go Jimmy.” They were both good at woodwork.
Go Jimmy constantly pestered Easy Jimmy about starting a business building gazebos. Go Jimmy had visions of going from building gazebos to building villages. He planned to build an extraordinary orphanage in rural Poland. I remember Go Jimmy showing me a sketch of a circular structure. He pointed to the center and said, “Here will be the playground.”
I was nine. I thought the sketch was cool.
Once I overheard Easy Jimmy, after a bout of pestering from Go Jimmy, say, “Listen, after work I just want to go home and barbeque with my wife and play ball with my kids. That’s it.”
Easy Jimmy was okay with his small house and family. He made stuff out of wood only when he felt like it.
My dad’s friends often rolled their eyes at Go Jimmy. I didn’t understand why. Why shouldn’t he build villages? I even overheard them say, “He should relax and find a wife.”
Telling Go Jimmy to relax and give up on his mission would constitute bad advice. Just like telling Easy Jimmy to take on a mission would constitute bad advice. If it contradicts one’s authentic self, it is bad advice.
Sometimes people with a mission listen to people who are here to rest. And, vice versa. This can lead to confusion and dissonance and consequently anxiety or depression. This is why it is important to get to know thyself.
Do you have a mission?
Wow thanks for the tears… Actually made me cry. There’s this constant voice telling me to just jump and die, when I’m not doing what I should do. I’m even aware of what my mission is, but it feels impossible to do.
Well I guess starring Substack is a start, and I always seem to have infinite energy even when I run from the mission. Guess that’s within the plan.